We talk about helping people. What happens when people take advantage of that help?
This can happen. Nothing we do can prevent it. The only question we can ask is whether we're going to allow that to stop us helping people or whether we're going to take the risk--and occasionally get taken advantage of--and help anyway.
God already answered this question for us through the example of Jesus. He died for our sins, right? He made us free and saved us. He did that so we could do good in the world. But all of us mess up. All of us occasionally use that freedom for bad things, selfish purposes. We take advantage of the help God has given us, misusing it and hurting him, when we sin. Did that stop God from giving us help? Does that stop God from forgiving us? Did the story go, "And then Jesus realized that all of these people were just going to take advantage of him so he got down off the cross, said, 'Forget you guys!', and went home"? Clearly not. Just as Jesus helps us even though we mess up, so we are called to help others even when they mess up.
Having said that, there are a couple things we can do in order to cope with being taken advantage of.
First, do everything you can to make your help unconditional. That means you give because the gift is needed, not because you expect a person to act a certain way or pay you back somehow. We're not buying good behavior with our gifts, we're sharing love. There's a difference. If your gifts are given freely, with as few conditions as possible, you won't really be taken advantage of. It's your choice to give. Once you've made that choice, let the gift go and be at peace. You did what you could.
Second, every gift-giver is free to define what "help" means. If you don't think your gift will be helpful--will do good--there's no requirement that it be given. Let's say you were babysitting a brother and sister. The brother climbs up on the roof and looks straight down on his younger sister. When you climb up there to see what's going on he asks you, "Hey...have you got a big rock I can borrow?" Are you under any obligation to "help" him here? Of course not! You have reasonable suspicion that the rock you're "helping" him with will be used for hurtful purposes. Your gift would not bring good into the world so it's not really a helpful gift at all.
I have to define the real meaning of "help" every time someone knocks on my door (or passes me on the street) and asks for money. Often people who ask for money on the street have problems with alcohol. If I just give them money they might go and buy a bunch of booze. That's not helping them or the world. So I have to consider the situation before I just hand them a $20 bill. Usually I'll ask what they need. If they say "food" then I'll go with them to the grocery store and buy them a bunch of food...way more than $20 usually. That way I'm giving a lot of help, but it's real help and not something harmful. If I'm in a big city and can't stop for groceries I will tell them that I'm donating to a local shelter where they can get a hot meal. Then I do it! This is also helpful.
Sometimes our gifts to others don't involve money. Listening to friends and supporting them is a helpful practice. But here, too, you have to define what "help" really means. Sometimes just listening is the right thing to do. Sometimes friends use other friends as a crutch, as an excuse to continue their bad behavior. Sometimes listening to someone's story gives the impression that you approve of their actions. Or sometimes a person relies on a friend so much that it begins to drag the friend down, consuming their lives and making them worry. Every once in a while you figure out that you're not the person this friend should be talking to...that they need more help than you can give and should talk to an adult or a counselor. In all of these cases you have to ask what is most helpful. Sometimes giving the gift of your time and a listening ear does more harm than good. In those cases "helpful" means saying, "I'm sorry, I can't do this. Here is who you need to talk to to get some real help."
In none of these cases do you abandon the person in need. You're just helping in a different way, by getting them the right kind of support...a kind that you can't give. Being able to do this well will keep you from feeling like you're being taken advantage of.
If you're not sure what to do in a given situation and it's worrying you, you might want to get some help yourself by talking to a parent, teacher, counselor, or...I don't know...your pastor! These people might have some decent advice about how to proceed so that the person you're worried about gets the right kind of help without you being hurt or taken advantage of.
--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)
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