Domestic Violence Training

I just got back from helping conduct a clergy training on Domestic Violence in Moscow.  As always, it was good to hear people's thoughts on the issue and to get a refresher course from the folks at Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse.

It's also good that we remember to pray for the victims of domestic violence and all those who need help in their relationships.  22 people died in the State of Idaho in 2011 as a result of domestic violence and those headline-grabbing deaths are just the tip of the iceberg.  This issue affects all of us, yet it's still seldom talked about.  We need to let people know that we, as a community of faith, believe control and violence aren't healthy ways of conducting relationships, that nobody deserves to be threatened, abused, or battered, and that anyone experiencing domestic violence will find somebody to listen and a gateway to a broader world of help at our church.

One of the trickiest things about domestic violence is identifying what it is.  Often victims themselves don't realize they're experiencing it, as perpetrators make violent behavior seem normal.  Here's one of the resources we used in the training, a short-hand explanation of the forms domestic violence can take.

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic Violence is the systematic exertion of power and control by one member of a partnership over another without regard for dignity, welfare, or sanctity.  It can take many forms:

Sometimes Domestic Violence involves physical contact…
--pushing and shoving
--holding down or restraining
--slapping and biting
--kicking and choking

Sometimes Domestic Violence involves the threat of such contact…
--brandishing fists or weapons
--threats to hurt or kill
--threatening friends or family
--using other objects (pets, dishes, etc.) as substitutes for the victim, breaking or
  destroying them to send a message
--attempts to hit or force off road with the car
--abandonment in unsafe places

Often Domestic Violence involves verbal abuse…
--repeated, demeaning name-calling
--ridicule/criticism of practices, beliefs, appearance
--loud shouting or loud silence

Sometimes Domestic Violence involves sex…
--rape/forcible/unwanted sexual contact
--coercion into non-consensual sexual acts
--body humiliation/degradation

Often Domestic Violence involves other means of control…
--separation from family, friends, social contacts
--constant monitoring of place, activity, and company
--constant jealousy/suspicion/accusation of affairs
--limited access to/control over money, cars, other property

Children sometimes become pawns to ensure control…
--kidnap/custody threats
--punishing children so mom will give in
--tells children that mom will send him to jail
--using the kids to send threatening messages (“If your mom doesn’t stop I’m going to…)

Domestic Violence is almost always minimized or denied by the perpetrator
--“I wouldn’t have hit her if she hadn’t made me…”
--“I was just stressed…”
--“It doesn’t happen that often…”
--“It wasn’t that bad…it’s no big deal”
--“She needed to be taught a lesson…”
--“It’s only because I care so much…”


Domestic Violence is a learned, chosen, systematic behavior designed to maintain power and control.

--It is not caused by drinking or drugs
--It is not caused by anger or stress
--It is not caused by low self-esteem
        --It is not caused by poverty or financial hardship
--It is not caused by mental illness
        --It is not caused by a history of abuse

  Many people experience these things and yet do not perpetrate domestic violence.

Domestic Violence happens among all races, all classes, at all levels of education, social standing, and faith.

--Doctors, lawyers, psychologists, and pastors experience domestic violence
--College graduates, community leaders, MENSA members, and faithful church attendees experience
              domestic violence
--Caucasians, Hispanics, African Americans, Laotians, old folks, young folks,
and middle aged folks, rich folks, poor folks, and middle-class folks experience
  domestic violence
--Urban folks, suburban folks, and rural folks experience domestic violence.  In fact
domestic violence can be more insidious in the latter two areas.  In suburbia
  nobody thinks it happens.  The relative isolation of rural areas makes it easier to
  cover up.
--Both women and men can be victims of domestic violence.  However it is worthy to
note that 95% of domestic violence involves male perpetrators and female
  victims.

Domestic Violence is not the fault of the victim.  It is the choice of the perpetrator…a way to maintain control.

If you or somebody you know is experiencing domestic violence, we can help.  Conversations are confidential.  You can also find help at the Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse website  (ATVP.org) or by calling the local help hotline at 208-883-HELP (4357) or (509) 332--HELP (4357).  The national domestic violence crisis line is 877-334-2887.

--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)

Lessons from Our First Youth Event

Our new (formal) Youth Event season kicked off Monday night with a well-attended viewing of the movie "The Hunger Games" which just came out on DVD.  Based on the book of the same name, it tells the story of two teenagers whose government and society force them to participate in a brutal spectacle pitting them against other teenagers from around the land.  All of the young folks, two from each "district" of the country, must fight in an expansive, scenic arena until only one emerges alive and victorious to be feted with riches beyond imagination.  This event is shown on TV for the amusement (and rooting interest) of all.  Our two heroes are forced to put on a show, faking a romantic storyline with each other, pretending they're thrilled with the chance to participate, demonstrating that they're not only willing to do away with their opponents, but that they're good at it.  If they don't play along they'll get no "sponsors" and not get the crucial aid they'll need to survive the ordeal.  At the same time they struggle with their own integrity:  the desire to be good versus the need to stay alive, the difficulty in keeping one's own identity when battling against a corrupt culture.

Like the books, this movie brought up multiple discussion points.  For purposes of this sitting, we focused heavily on two:

1.  Today's young generation lives in a world where if it doesn't happen on video, it's not real.  Between TV, YouTube, Facebook, phone cameras, webcams...every important moment is ripe for recording and broadcast.  There's a temptation, then, to swallow everything one sees on video as real.  The movie showed how unreal most of these situations are.  Our characters were forced to pretend the entire time they were on camera.  They were primped, trained, threatened, bribed...everything was directed towards showing the story the culture wanted told rather than the real feelings of these two people.  How similar is that to 99% of the things we see on TV today, especially "reality" TV?  In most ways if it happens on video it's not real.  Many of these people putting themselves out there for public consumption are doing just what all the youth in the arena had to do:  making up a pretend person to show to the world in order to put food on the table, stay alive, or gain fame.  That's not reality.  Or if it is reality, we're all in trouble.

2.  One of the enduring themes of the books and the movie is that even though our main characters find a way to keep/salvage some integrity, fighting back against the system to change it, they, personally, are never the same again after having witnessed the horror and violence that their culture has set up for them.  In some ways it takes them years to recover.  In other ways they never do.  Our young people today have the capability of witnessing almost anything with the click of a mouse button.  The best of human achievement is open to their Googling, but the worst is too.  No generation before them has had access to the kind of information and imagery that they have, for good and bad.  Our parents and society kept away harmful images and information during our formative years.  You had to actually go out and get/buy a magazine or movie to see shocking things.  These were usually protected, kept away from minors.  Not so today.  All of it comes right into your house.

This means that our young folks have a special responsibility to guard what they see.  They need a discipline beyond that which our upbringing required.  They need the ability to say, "No...I do not wish to see this, at least not right now."  No matter how much our culture dangles in front of them, they need to understand that society is more interested in selling them something than protecting them from anything.  They need the same kind of integrity our main characters had, to not go along blindly into things beyond their capacity to control.  Once seen, an image can't be unseen.  It'll follow you the rest of your life.  Those of us who are older have built up some resistance.  The cement of our brains has hardened to an extent.  Much of the harm of all but the most grotesque images bounces off.  But when you're young that cement is still wet.  The wrong image at the wrong time can leave an imprint that hardens into permanence, just like the hand print on the sidewalk.  It's OK to say no to some experiences for now, to stay out of the arena until you're sure you want to enter and you're sure you can handle it.  Just because something exists doesn't mean it's right for you.

We'll have more youth events in the coming months.  Hope to see all of you young-type folks there!

--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)

God and the Hunger Games

Whether you're reading the book series or have just watched the top-grossing movie, The Hunger Games is the latest craze to hit popular culture.  It's a story that was geared towards teens and young adults but really transcends generations, capturing the imagination of readers and viewers everywhere.  It's somewhat different than the usual Harry Potter fare in that it's quite dark.  It's also packed with philosophy that easily morphs into theological discussion for people of faith.

I'm not going to spoil the story by talking about the narrative or any endings here, but I thought it might be fun to address some prominent themes and how they relate to our culture and consideration of God.

The Hunger Games is waist deep in issues of class and economics.  Its world consists of a dozen outlying districts full of workers living in various levels of poverty.  Each district is responsible for producing some sort of good.  The value of that good determines the living standard for most everyone in the district.  The central capitol controls the districts and is awash in wealth and luxury.  When people from the districts meet people from the capitol they're all but alien to each other.  Capitol dwellers live in complete ignorance of the source of their largess.  They simply enjoy what others work for, throwing away more food each day than a district person eats over several.

Societies inevitably stratify people.  That's a fact of life, all but unchangeable.  No major society that's ever tried to equalize things has ever managed it.  They only managed to shift the privilege.  Our country contains many classes of people at various levels of wealth.  That's not necessarily a problem in itself.  We need to recognize, though, that the value of a person isn't defined just by wealth alone, nor are we to view people solely through the lens of what they produce for us.  Jesus ministered with poor and wandering folks...treasuring them above all others precisely because the world didn't.  He didn't judge by what people could give to him or how they could make his life easier, he simply gave to everyone he met regardless of his personal advantage or disadvantage in the process.

We'd be honored to have the President of the United States over for dinner.  We should be just as honored to have the cashier from Dairy Queen.  They're both God's children and if anything, the DQ worker might need a decent, balanced meal more.

When we only see people by their role in our lives--checker, house-cleaner, banker, or whatever--instead of seeing them as an extended part of God's family we echo the sin of the capitol-dwellers in the book.  We spend our energy and love only on those closest to us, those like us in status and outlook, wasting much that's badly needed in the rest of the world.

There's also a bald economic component here.  We're well-to-do compared to most people in the world.  We should not get too comfortable with that inequity.  Whatever God has blessed us with, it's meant to be shared.  People without food, clean water, housing, jobs...whatever the imbalance may be, we do need to address it.

In the Hunger Games the solution to the problem of poverty is to select teenage representatives from each district and make them fight against each other to the death on TV for the amusement of all.  The eventual victor (over 23 other victims) is rewarded with riches and fame forevermore...everything they could desire.

I can't help but think of the lottery system that so many people desperately buy into.  Obviously that doesn't involve killing people but the reward process works about the same.  Only one person wins.  99.999999% of the people who play remain poor.  Somehow that doesn't matter because everyone hopes that they'll be the 0.0000001% someday.  As long as that hope stays alive we figure there's a way out so we don't do anything to address the real issues surrounding poverty.  As long as somebody makes it and we think we could be that somebody someday, we're content to let everybody else rot.  If we do win, we're not spreading out that money to everyone who played.  We're taking it and running to our new mansion.

I also think of the number of modern "starlets" who have become famous in recent years for doing nothing...no talent, no achievement, just famous for being famous and maybe showing some skin.  Our young people are growing up with the message that fame and fortune cure everything.  It runs on the same principle as the lottery but this time instead of buying a ticket you work to be thinner and get plastic surgery and torture your hair and put on revealing clothes.  Not everybody will make it to that elite level of fame but somebody will, and it could be you!

I'm not certain, but those "starlets" don't look all that happy to me, especially in a couple years after the cameras move elsewhere.  But again as long as the tantalizing apple of wild success hangs out there for a few, many people will happily play the game trying to grab it...much to their detriment and the detriment of those around them.

Jesus didn't just come to a few lucky winners or famous people.  He made winners out of us all, adopting us into God's family.  Everyone can call themselves blessed and beloved because of his sacrifice for them.  We're not meant to make victors of a few and losers of everyone else.  We're here to proclaim the ultimate victory that God won so he could wrap his arms around all of us where we were once divided.

The Hunger Games also deals with the issue of violence in the lives of young people.  I'm not one who scrupulously avoids any depiction of violence.  I have Mafia movies in my DVD collection.  My son sometimes plays games on TV where cars crash into each other and knock each other off the road.  I'm not always thrilled with the amount of violence we're exposed to in our popular culture, but we have to learn to deal with it and process it because it's not likely to stop anytime soon.

Dealing with it and processing it does not mean accepting it whole cloth, though.  We teach Derek the difference between games/movies and real life.  We don't let him watch anything with too much violence.  Personally I find it funny that any movie with mild nudity would be considered completely taboo for kids but movies with people shooting the heck out of each other and TV shows depicting violent deaths are considered fine for all ages.

One of the main theses of The Hunger Games is that once experienced, violence leaves an imprint that doesn't go away.  It also tends to beget more violence, even among its victims.  We tend to shy away from people who have experienced violence, leaving this cycle unchallenged.  When I first started working with people in the field of domestic violence long ago the statement that arrested my attention as a pastor was, "How many times have you heard a pastor or church stand up and say domestic violence is wrong?"  It was true.  At that point I never had, nor had I known anyone who had declared that publicly.  We've since changed that, but it stands to reason that most folks haven't.  If even our churches won't admit publicly that violence is bad for our society and has a bad effect on its victims, who will say it?  We leave victims to struggle alone, walking in the wake of our silence.  We consume violence in our entertainment without ever mitigating its effects by standing up against it--or even helping the victims of it--in real life.

When we see oppression we must speak and act.  When we encounter victims of violence we must trust and uplift them.  God does not call us to turn away when we perceive injustice, but to stand against it and work for a more just--and less injurious--society.

Whether economic, emotional, or physical, our world does damage to the people who live it in.  Some of us experience it less, some more.  Our response to this must be to hold each other closer, to pray more fervently, and to pick up those whom the world fells because of its unjust ways.  The Hunger Games provides a decent depiction of what happens in the life of one woman when that doesn't happen.  It's not necessarily a pretty tale, nor a happy one, but it's important for us to hear.

--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)