Becoming a Wounded Healer

This weeks lesson in Adults Sunday School was Becoming a Wounded Healer. What does this mean to you and how can you relate?
Our focus for the day was: To remember that dark times of grief and pain can be teachable moments and pathways to blessings, and that we can learn from Jesus how to be sensitive to the suffering of others. Discovery for the day was from Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Our goal for today was to really figure out what a "Wounded Healer" is and how we may or may not ever been one and if we feel we can be. While it was not as hard to understand this week it did lead us into a really good discussion and we even had to stop so we good make it to worship services.
In some ways I feel this lesson almost related to the gospel this week since it was what most of us know as "The Prodigal Son". It was  not our intention to have the two relate since we did not really know until church what the gospel was but the two went together really well. In the gospel we heard about the parable Jesus told of about the son of a rich man who took his share of his fathers wealth and squandered it to the point he became very poor and destitute. When he returned home his father welcomed him home with welcome arms and celebrated his homecoming. The son who had stayed and helped his dad did not understand how this could be. The father said that he had always been with him but the other son had been dead and returned to life. I think for me anyways this was being a Wounded Healer, it was understanding that you can be down and out but can come back, those around that person need to be able to have empathy to their plight. We do not necessarily agree with how they did things but we do need to have understanding. Now I am not sure everyone in our class thought the two went together today but this is how I saw it.
We were asked to share a time when you saw one of your parents, another family member, or close friend grieving. What were the circumstances? How did it affect you? Each of us had something we could remember and told how it affected us. Some of the stories were of about when a grandparent died, for me it was when my sister died, and Randi told of when a friend lost her 40 year old daughter to cancer. We each looked at how others dealt with the loss.
When losing my sister all of us of course were upset and hurting but I remember how devastated my mom was and as time went on people felt she needed to move on and not really get over it but quit dwelling on it. It always made me mad when people said that since no one can say when a person has to stop grieving and each of deal with grief in our own way. I felt that we all needed to understand the whole that a parent has when they lose a child, I even then could understand that big whole that leaves in your heart. When I went through it myself years later, because of what she went through I told everyone that no one to ever tell me it was "time to get over it", that I would deal with it my own way and in my own time. I was asking others to be a "Wounded Healer". Both these and many other losses and hard times have helped me to understand and to help other people when they are going through such things. I may not always be good at it but I honestly try. Sometimes we have to be wounded healer while we are hurting too, that is not always easy since it is easy to concentrate on our feelings and forget what others are going through at the same time. When Scott died I think I had a hard time of being a "Wounded Healer" as I was concentrating on my loss and not necessarily understanding what others were going through. During times where we share a loss it is hard to think of what others are going through.
Verna told about when she was 6 or 7, her mothers mom died, and how surprised she was that her dad was so devastated over the loss. At the time they did not have a phone so someone came and gave them the message that her parents needed to call someone. They went downtown to the payphone and called, she recalled that her parents came back to the car and her dad was crying (which he never did) so Verna asked what had happened. Her mom said that her grandma had passed away, she immediately that it was her dad's mom because of how upset he was and how calm her mom seemed to be. Then they were told it was her mom's mother. At the time it was hard to understand how her mom could be so calm and how upset her dad was. Each of us has our way of coping, as she found out through time her mom handled these things more inwardly and was just as devastated over losing her mother as her dad was even more so actually.
The lesson went on to ask us, What do you think Jesus was talking about when he said, "Blessed are those who mourn"? What are we to mourn? This is the list we were to look at and pick one or two and explain.

• Our own broken relationships, our sins.
• The suffering we experience when we become ill or face a personal crisis
• The suffering we experience when we are unjustly treated
• The suffering of family and friends that cause sorrow in us
• Universal suffering through such things as poverty, religious wars, or natural disasters
• The pain of addiction
• Other

Which of these above would be the cause of most mourning in our society today? In the church? In you?
All of us could relate with most all of these in one way or another. Verna told of how 9/11 affected her and that for so long she has not been able to read or watch anything about 9/11. The Lenten movie this week was about a boy who lost his dad during 9/11, she told that she really enjoyed it and she got to watch it, had she known what the movie was she probably would not watch it but was glad she got the opportunity. Randi also talked of 9/11 and how as a community people came together to deal with the horror of that day. For me it was remembering May of 1972 in the Silver Valley, this is something I will never forget. Sunshine mine caught on fire underground, 91 men died with two surviving. To this day I can remember how it affected everyone in the Valley even those of us who were fortunate enough not to have anyone in the fire. I remember kids being called out of class as men were found and how all of us knew what that meant but were all praying that it was good news instead of bad. It is a time that is imprinted in my mind forever and I am sure it is in all of us that lived there during that time. Times like 9/11 and the fire of "72 are times that people as a whole grieved. We all watched in horror the planes hitting those towers. People in the area and I am sure nationwide all listened to the news day after day for 7 days waiting for news of the fate of those 91 men and for us in the valley it went on for a couple of weeks after as the funerals all took place. Much like Verna I did not want to read or see anything about that time for quite sometime, then Jeffrey got the book The Deep Dark and with trepidation I read it and I was glad I did.
 During these times we all understand the grieving of others and how it is affecting them but sometimes when it is not as big of a picture as these things were we do not always understand and may not even be able to totally understand the grief. I know when the shootings happened in Sandy Hook and Columbine everyone understood and grieved with those who lost someone to those shooters but how many of us also felt sympathy and understand for the family of those who did the shooting? I am not sure why, maybe it is because I am a parent, I have always had sympathy for those families as much as I have the ones that lost their loved ones. 
In his book The Wounded Healer, Henri Nouwen reminded us that we are not always able to eliminate pain of others. We are called to share their pain and darkness in such a way that new hope is experienced. How do we do this?

• Not having words to say but just being present
• Willingness to learn about the root causes of the hurt
• Being open to face to face encounters with people struggling for personal survival
• Finding someone who has been where I am, who understands
• Asking the hard questions with compassion
• Being honest enough to recognize limitations, failures, and pain
• Being comfortable with tears
• Other

When I see the first one I think of Cyndie, one of my best friends since we were small children, and her texting me, telling me she was coming down on Scott's last day, she had Menier's Disease and cannot usually drive distances very well so I text her back not to come as I would worry about her, she did not text back instead a couple of hours later she knocked on our door. She came and sat with us and helped as she could, it meant so much to me. She did not have any real words for us she was just there to lean on if we needed. It is not always easy to be here and not try to give words, but the presence without words is sometimes the best way to handle things. This and how others were during that time taught me a big lesson that I am not sure I really understood before. Sometimes there are no words that can be said so a shoulder or even an ear to listen are far more helpful then all the words. Not too long after Scott's death we had a bible study, I am not sure exactly what but I do remember Pastor Dave talking about how there is not any real words that help. Things like: at least he is not suffering anymore, he is with God now, even I know how you feel, do not help. All you can think is I don't want him to be up there I want him here with me healthy and strong, and No you don't know how I feel. These are lessons for us though to take with us as Wounded Healers when we are wanting to help others or maybe even ourselves.
We all said asking the hard questions with compassion is a hard one for most of us. It is too tempting when asking the hard questions to pass judgement at the same time, we may even think we are being compassionate when we really aren't. Being honest enough to recognize limitations, failures, and pain is also hard since most people rarely want to admit when they have failed or that they are limited. It also hard to be honest about pain for fear people will see you as weak, just like many are not comfortable with tears as so many also see this as a sign of weakness. I know for me willingness to learn the rot cause of hurt is hard since I don't want to seem like I am being too nosy. Finding someone who has been where I am, who understands is the one that gives us the most comfort but not always easy to do.
Jesus became a servant, obedient to God unto death. He was tempted on all points like we are, without sin. He was misunderstood, rejected, and falsely accused. Jesus was a Wounded Healer. How does know this help us? How did Jesus embrace darkness?
In which of the following situations do you think that you would be most helpful by entering into the pain of another or sharing in the experience of darkness? Why

• The wound of loneliness
• Some form of addiction
• Having lost touch with God
• Unemployment/career crisis
• Doubts about religion/God/church
• Loss of a loved one
• Terminal illness
• Poverty/hunger
• Wound of rejection
• Childlessness
• Others

Randi, Verna and myself all felt we would be helpful with the doubts about religion/God/ church.  For me I have never doubted God so much as religion and church because there are a lot of  churches/religions and "Christians" that have easily turned me off of them with how they feel they are better then everyone else and how we all need to live up to their example. I find a lot of these churches and "Christians" often are hypocritical. Having felt this way makes it easier for me to talk to others about these feelings also.
Talking about God and his existence is not as easy when you are talking to a non believer but I have found as long as I accept that person for who they are often they want to talk about why I believe in God. I understand there are also times of crisis in  our lives that make us question whether there is a God. It is hard when you are struggling to put your faith in God, when everything seems like it is against you and it is your darkest hour, you question God existence. If you have gone through this I think it is easier to relate to people when they are going through it. If I were to be honest there have been a time or two when things were at there darkest that I have questioned God of why not so much that does he is exist but how he could love me and still let me have to suffer. I am willing to bet most all of us have gone through this at least a time or two in their lives.
Each of the items on this list if you have gone through it or been close to someone going through them makes it easier for us to helps others as long as we do it as Wounded Healers, not as someone who knows best. I took from this lesson that a Wounded Healer is someone who can be empathetic to others, not sympathetic as there is a difference.
So what are your thoughts about what this means to you and how can you relate? We did not really get to do the last part of this lesson where it asked us to think of ways that "mourning" has been encouraged where you have worshiped or in your community. Please share them with us!