It's also good that we remember to pray for the victims of domestic violence and all those who need help in their relationships. 22 people died in the State of Idaho in 2011 as a result of domestic violence and those headline-grabbing deaths are just the tip of the iceberg. This issue affects all of us, yet it's still seldom talked about. We need to let people know that we, as a community of faith, believe control and violence aren't healthy ways of conducting relationships, that nobody deserves to be threatened, abused, or battered, and that anyone experiencing domestic violence will find somebody to listen and a gateway to a broader world of help at our church.
One of the trickiest things about domestic violence is identifying what it is. Often victims themselves don't realize they're experiencing it, as perpetrators make violent behavior seem normal. Here's one of the resources we used in the training, a short-hand explanation of the forms domestic violence can take.
What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic Violence is the systematic exertion of power and control by one member of a partnership over another without regard for dignity, welfare, or sanctity. It can take many forms:
Sometimes Domestic Violence involves physical contact…
--pushing and shoving
--holding down or restraining
--slapping and biting
--kicking and choking
Sometimes Domestic Violence involves the threat of such contact…
--brandishing fists or weapons
--threats to hurt or kill
--threatening friends or family
--using other objects (pets, dishes, etc.) as substitutes for the victim, breaking or
destroying them to send a message
--attempts to hit or force off road with the car
--abandonment in unsafe places
Often Domestic Violence involves verbal abuse…
--repeated, demeaning name-calling
--ridicule/criticism of practices, beliefs, appearance
--loud shouting or loud silence
Sometimes Domestic Violence involves sex…
--rape/forcible/unwanted sexual contact
--coercion into non-consensual sexual acts
--body humiliation/degradation
Often Domestic Violence involves other means of control…
--separation from family, friends, social contacts
--constant monitoring of place, activity, and company
--constant jealousy/suspicion/accusation of affairs
--limited access to/control over money, cars, other property
Children sometimes become pawns to ensure control…
--kidnap/custody threats
--punishing children so mom will give in
--tells children that mom will send him to jail
--using the kids to send threatening messages (“If your mom doesn’t stop I’m going to…)
Domestic Violence is almost always minimized or denied by the perpetrator
--“I wouldn’t have hit her if she hadn’t made me…”
--“I was just stressed…”
--“It doesn’t happen that often…”
--“It wasn’t that bad…it’s no big deal”
--“She needed to be taught a lesson…”
--“It’s only because I care so much…”
Domestic Violence is a learned, chosen, systematic behavior designed to maintain power and control.
--It is not caused by drinking or drugs
--It is not caused by anger or stress
--It is not caused by low self-esteem
--It is not caused by poverty or financial hardship
--It is not caused by mental illness
--It is not caused by a history of abuse
Many people experience these things and yet do not perpetrate domestic violence.
Domestic Violence happens among all races, all classes, at all levels of education, social standing, and faith.
--Doctors, lawyers, psychologists, and pastors experience domestic violence
--College graduates, community leaders, MENSA members, and faithful church attendees experience
domestic violence
--Caucasians, Hispanics, African Americans, Laotians, old folks, young folks,
and middle aged folks, rich folks, poor folks, and middle-class folks experience
domestic violence
--Urban folks, suburban folks, and rural folks experience domestic violence. In fact
domestic violence can be more insidious in the latter two areas. In suburbia
nobody thinks it happens. The relative isolation of rural areas makes it easier to
cover up.
--Both women and men can be victims of domestic violence. However it is worthy to
note that 95% of domestic violence involves male perpetrators and female
victims.
Domestic Violence is not the fault of the victim. It is the choice of the perpetrator…a way to maintain control.
If you or somebody you know is experiencing domestic violence, we can help. Conversations are confidential. You can also find help at the Alternatives to Violence of the Palouse website (ATVP.org) or by calling the local help hotline at 208-883-HELP (4357) or (509) 332--HELP (4357). The national domestic violence crisis line is 877-334-2887.
--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)
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