One of the questions I get asked often is, "What do you DO with the youth?" It's tricky to answer because at any given moment our activities look like, "playing games" or "watching a movie" or even "not much". But all those moments are preparation, not only training them to relish the blessing of normal things and conduct those things in Godly ways, but building relationships that allow me to be a resource in the more serious moments.
That's the subject of this post. I've asked a couple (now mostly former) youth for permission to share some of the questions they've asked over the years and my responses. Naturally we'll keep details general to preserve anonymity. Also note that we're paraphrasing questions and answers here. These things usually happen in snippets of conversation here and there. Seldom will one of our youth sit down and spout a complex question in one sitting. Even more seldom do I have opportunities to give fully-formed answers like this. The presentation here will be compressed and thus slightly fictional. The heart of the questions and the answers are the same, though. They just sound better here than they did in real life.
Question 1: I have a friend who bugs me to no end at school. How much should I forgive?
That's easy. As much as humanly possible. And when you've exhausted that, pray for some of God's strength to forgive even more. Usually you'll find that if you're trying your hardest to forgive, fewer things bother you. You're not looking for trouble or offense therefore trouble finds you more seldom and you don't get as offended about little things like you do when you're holding a grudge.
Forgiveness doesn't mean letting yourself get hurt, though, nor letting other people get hurt. If your friend is really causing pain to you or other people it's fine to say, "I forgive you but I can't be a part of this. You're really hurting me and I don't want to do this anymore." Most people will be taken aback by that kind of honesty. Often they don't realize how much they're hurting others. Sometimes they're just projecting hurt they feel inside onto other people without even knowing it. (Like a girl who thinks she's overweight making herself feel better by calling somebody else "fat".) When you bring the hurt out into the open, usually people are startled and then immediately apologize. Often that's an end to the bad behavior as well.
If that doesn't work or if you're not comfortable talking to someone that way, you might talk to a counselor or teacher at school who knows both of you and the situation. Or, you know, talk to mom and dad about it if you can. They've probably been through something similar.
Question 2: I'm dating a guy and it's pretty new but it's great. The thing is, I feel pressured to go a little farther than I'm willing to go. The few people I've talked to about this have mixed opinions. How do I deal?
Well, I have a very definite reaction to this. There are things I'd like to say. But ultimately this is going to be your decision. Nobody can live your life for you. Part of growing into maturity is being able to make responsible decisions about this kind of thing. Besides, I think you already know what I'd like to say. The problem isn't knowing, it's figuring out how to make sense of it all. I do have a couple things that might help.
The first is the Immutable Law of the Tattoo. You ever seen two celebrities get each others' names tattooed on them? Once the ink goes on it's guaranteed that they'll be split up in six months. Have you ever wondered why? It's because they're playing a weird game behind those tattoos.
The two celebs will say they're getting ink punched into their pores because they're sure their love will last forever. That's actually the opposite of what's going on. If they were really sure the love would last forever they wouldn't need the tattoos. They'd have a quiet confidence in their hearts, shown in their every action.
The truth is, they're really not sure! Because they're afraid it might not last forever they get in a rush to get permanent marks on their bodies to show each other that yes, it really really really will last. The tattoos aren't a mark of love, they're a mark of fear and insecurity. But no matter how much ink they cover it with, that fear and insecurity always comes out in the end. Instead of dealing with their issues, they got big ink splotches so they could pretend their insecurity didn't exist. Thus the break-up.
The moment they got the tats is probably the moment when they were most afraid and needed to be assured (or pretend) that it really would last. Ironically their sign of "forever" becomes the sure sign that it won't last forever.
The same principle holds when teenage relationships get intensely physical. There's always a sense of pressure, of the need to prove something, of doing this so we know the relationship will last. Thus "pressured to go a little farther than I'm willing". People say they're doing it because they know they're in love and will always be, but if they really knew that then there wouldn't be such a rush. If forever really is on the menu, there's no problem with taking things a little slow. When you get in a hurry to take Steps X, Y, and Z when both age and your time together suggest you're not even to Step C yet, it's a sure sign that the physical part of your relationship is becoming your tattoo. You're really not sure it'll last, you're really not wanting to admit that, so you do this Big Thing to convince yourselves that it will last Forever.
This doesn't work any better with a physical relationship than it does with ink...worse, in fact. Sex is supposed to be an expression of deep and intimate love. When it becomes a response to fear, a method to try and "prove" love is there, it often goes badly...as does the relationship. You never end up getting your proof. The fear never goes away. In fact the fear gets more intense because now your relationship is even more heavy while at the same time being on rockier ground. Ick! Eeek! Bleh.
That's why in situations like this, the decision to charge ahead is almost always the decision to end the relationship (eventually). I'm not sure that's what you're aiming at.
Here's another simple principle: You should have as much fun as possible while growing up without risking anything that's going to take that fun away or stop your progress.
You don't need me to retell all of the potential consequences of physical relationships that you learned from health class and your parents. You're in a rapid period of growth and discovery now. It might be worth remembering that your plans and desires for your own life can change in an instant. You're not sure what you're going to be like (or want) two years from now, or even two weeks from now. Neither will your boyfriend. It's never smart to risk permanent consequences in a temporary, ever-changing environment. Everything will go so much better when you know you're able to handle any consequence and when you're sure the person you love can handle it too...not only handle it, but be happy with it even.
Question 3: I worked all summer long and for the first time ever I have money! The thing is, I've been thinking about buying a computer. It's a major expense. It would halfway be for schoolwork but I'm not going to lie. I want to soup it up and have a cool gaming/internet rig as well. I can afford it now! The dad half of my parental coalition is OK with this but the mom half is stalling. I get what she's saying but this is what I've been thinking about most of the summer. I earned it, right?
(sigh) I hate it when you're both right.
Part of the solemn duty of parents is creating appropriate feedback loops. They've been doing this to you since you were quite small. When you do good things, good things happen. This encourages you to keep doing them. When you do bad things, bad things happen as a deterrent, discouraging you from keeping up that behavior.
You've done a good thing by working this summer...one assumes your first serious paying job. Ideally the feedback loop on this should read positive. Yes! Spend your money on something you love! That reward will encourage you to be diligent, to work more, to earn other rewards down the line. The risk of saying, "No, you may not do this" is that you'll not see the worth in, or benefit of, working. So I don't want to encourage that approach.
On the other hand, any parent will rightfully have concerns about a guy's first major expense. Parents have been through all this themselves. They know that wants can change rapidly. They don't want to run into a scenario where you blow your wad of cash on an instant expense and then regret it a couple months later. It would bother them to see you disappointed. Also part of their valuable feedback loop is teaching you about saving and using money conscientiously. A fairly-major expense in the context of other expenses seems fine. A super-major expense costing everything--or near everything--you've earned rings alarm bells for them. They remember what it's like not to have any money at all. They want to teach you about the value of wise financing. In their heads they're imagining you as a 45-year-old turning to your wife and kids and saying, "I sold the house and you can't eat today but look at my shiny new Maserati!" That's called a parental fail. They imagine their poor, starving grandchildren, tears streaming down their faces, saying, "Grandma didn't raise you right, you selfish money-spender!" For all they know this Big Purchase may become your gateway to a lifetime of ill-considered consumption.
The other thing to keep in mind (from a parental point of view) is the asterisk following the "It's MY money, I earned it" argument. The assertion is true but it doesn't encompass the whole picture. You earned that money but your cost of living over the summer is actually much higher. If you had to use your new-found money to provide shelter, food, and transportation for yourself you'd be living in a soybean field and eating raw Ramen as we speak. You didn't have to do those things because your parents picked up the tab. Having provided roughly five times what you earned just keeping you dry and fed, they feel rightly that they should get a little say in how your earnings are spent.
So, again...you're both right. What to do?
I don't know how I'd react if you were my child but from this distance it seems like this should be part of the learning process for you. Talk this out with your folks, hear their concerns again, see if you can't find some mutual assurance. But in the end even blowing your cash on a computer and then finding you didn't like it in two months--among the worst possible outcomes--wouldn't be the end of the world. In fact that would teach you as much as anything your parents could say. And that's even if it doesn't work out. If it does work out, well, you'll need to upgrade that thing at some point. Plus you need software for it. Back to work, son! That's a good outcome too.
Then again, I'm not your mom. Her definition of "good" may differ.
If I were you, I'd probably go to my mom and say, "You were right. I don't want a computer. Instead I'm going to spend that money on an old jalopy and go cruising for chicks. Would you crochet me some nice, soft covers for the back seat?" At which point your mom will say, "Hmmm...are you getting the 500 gigabyte hard drive or going with a full terabyte?"
Don't tell her I said that though.
--Pastor Dave (pastordave@geneseelutheranparish.org)
No comments:
Post a Comment